In The Name of Love

My name isn't important, but you know who I am. I'm the thief that walked the road to Calvary with Jesus. The thief who was condemned to die upon a cross next to the King of Kings. I'd done my fair share of sinning. I'd chosen a life of crime. Do you know how it feels to walk the road of a condemned man--forced to carry his shame and listen to the jury cry for your death. I know all too well, but I accepted the road that I walked.

Three of us walked to our death that day upon dusty roads made of stone---our crosses heavy, a crushing weight that begs for relief. I didn't know at the time, that this day was no ordinary day. There was a man, Jesus, who seemed to be hated and loved for who he was. Not a thief, murderer, or sinner by any means---He was the son of God.

His only crime was claiming that he was such. He'd been known through out the land. Known for calling all sinners to repent for the kingdom of God was at hand, healing the sick, raising the dead, & that seemed to rile the religious order. So much so they brought him before Pilate and demanded his crucifixion.

He was a man scourged, beaten, whipped, spit upon and mocked. As we moved through the crowd those who loved him followed and wept.

Finally arriving at Calvary's Hill they hung us up on our crosses for the world to see--to look upon the condemned. There at the feet of Jesus they divided his garments and cast lots. They sneered, yelling "He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God."

A sign hung over His head that read THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS. But Jesus, prayed for them saying, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Imagine that--He the condemned praying for those who hated and despised Him. I'd never known or seen such a man as this.

I knew that I deserved my punishment, but this man did not--He did no wrong that required such a punishment. I recognized what those who did not or refused to---Jesus was who He claimed to be and He would live and rule in God's Kingdom. Though I died that day I inherited everlasting life. "Lord, I said, "remember me when You come into your kingdom.

Jesus raised His head, looked upon a sinner--a thief--an outcast, and said "Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise."

There on that Hill, He bore the sins of the world----all in the name of love!

Footprints in the Sand

I knew something was wrong. Pam abruptly stopped in the middle of performing my regularly scheduled ultrasound and excused herself from the room. "I'll be right back she said, and disappeared through the door. Lying there on the table, gel still warm on my growing belly, I began to pray frantically. My heart beat hard against my chest, anxiety set in and my mind began to race with worry. Richard sat beside me trying to be strong for me, but we both knew something was wrong. There in the dimly lit ultrasound room I waited for what seemed like an eternity, preparing myself for the worst. The door opened, revealing a little light. There was my doctor with a look of sympathy upon his face and we knew then that our baby had died after only 14weeks.

Emptiness, pain, sorrow, darkness, and fear swirled within me raging like a storm set out on a turbulent sea. In the midst I questioned God: Why? Why did this happen? Was there something I did or didn't do? Why had he allowed such an awful thing to happen? And God always answers, even if its not what we want to hear. And God, being who He is, answered me. There in the midst of it all he met me, just He and I--Father to daughter. And it was there that I finally learned what "peace that surpasses all understanding" is. And that even in one of the darkest and bleakest times in my life, He was there---He carried me through--us through. It's knowing that Jesus wept with us and my pain was and is his pain.

There is a purpose for all things. As horrible as it was, God's will and purpose was done. Some may question what in the world good was accomplished through such a tragedy. We'll I'll tell you. No longer do I take my other children for granted. Those little things that used to drive me crazy no longer bother me. Our family is stronger, my marriage is stronger, my relationship with my mother is stronger, and my faith is stronger. No matter what comes my way, I can depend on Jesus. God never left me and He will never forsake me. If not for the love of God and Christ's sacrifice, where would I be.

It's been 2 weeks since we buried our son Ronan Pete Wagner. I'd be lying if I said that it hasn't been hard. I have my moments where I think about him not being able to take his first steps, first day of kindergarten, sibling rivalry, or saying his first words. But I know that he sleeps, and I'll see him again. We grieve, but not as others who grieve, for we know where our hope lies. It is in Christ. I found my way back to Him in it all never really knowing how far I had actually strayed from home until April 8, 2011. It was that day that I bared my soul, laid my head upon upon his lap and told Him just how much I needed Him. He simply replied: "Welcome home Daughter" and placed upon my head a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

And Baby Makes 5

I've not blogged in quite sometime. Truth is, haven't really felt like it. Not since I've found out that I'm pregnant again. Yes, I'm pregnant. Believe me when I say that it was a huge surprise. Me and my husband were not thinking about having any more children. My oldest (daughter) just turned 17 and my youngest is 7. Not to mention how I can hear 40 breathing down the back of my neck. Sure it won't be here for 2 1/2 years, but its knocking loudly nonetheless. However, in spite of the huge surprise and the fact that we were not trying in the first place, we are happy and joyful that we will welcome our 5th child. My life so far has been like an out of body experience. My other pregnancies were never like this, but then again I was in my 20's and now I'm in my late 30's--huge difference.

My get up and go has got up and went. Strange food cravings and constant nausea dictate much of my life right now. Not to mention the dumb comments like "You know what causes that, don't you?" or Thank God that ain't me, I'd kill myself", to which I always reply, with a smile---"God only choses those who are strong." And no one knows how to truly respond to that answer. As HIs Word says Every good and perfect gift comes from the father of lights. I'm looking forward to welcoming our new child in to our family. My due date is Oct 1. But something tells me that I won't make it to Oct, I believe this will be another Sept baby. I'll be getting back on the blogging horse once my nausea wanes, and my get up and go has returned to me. Until then, keep me and child in your prayers for a healthy baby and a safe and drama free birth.

Living Out The Gospel

We expect the world to do what the world does. However, when the lines are blurred and you can no longer differentiate the church from the world we have a huge problem. Meaning---many churches have taken on the identity of the world and are looking less like the body of Christ and more like the world. In many cases, sad as it is, the church is little more than a seeker sensitive politically correct institute made after the hearts of men. Whatever it takes to draw them in mindset has made itself prevalent within the body. Thousands are drawn away by the desires of their own hearts and convince their members that in order to be truly successful we must build it bigger, better, and have more stuff to draw the outsiders. Of course you need to draw people in order to pay for the huge buildings and other things. This type of thinking has lead many churches to close it's doors in the wake of the recession. Money is tight these days and many churches are finding themselves short on money and unable to keep up the opulent buildings they've built. Case in point, the Crystal Cathedral, which has been forced to close its doors due to a dwindling congregation and a recession that has hit so many so hard. With no other option than to file bankruptcy, the Crystal Cathedral finds itself in a pit of debt of about 5.5 million dollars with no way to pay the mortgages or those they've hired to put on lavish programs.

Now the mega-churches have something else to worry about. The Tennessee State Board of Equalization has decided that one mega-church in Nashville Tn, will have to pay the amount of $425,000 in property taxes. Why, you ask? It seems that the board deems churches who have bookstores, gym's and the like in their building is considered commercial enterprises and are deemed taxable. The minister who received this huge bill is from South Nashville and pastors a congregation of 2,300. The pastor had this to say:

"They think a church worships on Sunday and then everybody goes away," pastor Dan Scott said. "Anything else you do is not church. But Christianity is not something you dive into once a week."

Of course Pastor Dan Scott plans on fighting this. I'm more on the side of the Board in this case. These things may be nice, but really there is no essential need to have them.

Once church in particular is really living out the Gospel they preach. Here is the article and the link. Read more: http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/news/29535#ixzz164LaaoDU

David Platt (pictured right) became one of the youngest megachurch pastors in history when in 2006, at the age of 28, he was appointed to lead The Church at Brook Hills in Birmingham, Ala.

Yet just as remarkable is how his church of more than 4,000 responded to his challenge over a series of weekend services to take Jesus’ words at face value and abandon all for Him.

The result? Families (including Platt’s) downsized their living spaces, simplified their lifestyle and gave away profits to the poor. Business owners sold their companies to aid global and local mission work. Dormant believers became activated to launch ministries. And the church radically made over its budget to do more with less so it could invest more in local and global ministries.

This year, Brook Hills embarked on a one-year commitment called “The Radical Experiment” which includes dozens of short-term mission trips around the world to allow people a different context of service. “If we’re not careful, if I’m not careful, we can start to think the world looks like Birmingham,” Platt says.

I believe this young man is going in the right direction. I'm not inclined to call it a Radical Experiment, but simply what it is-----Living out the Gospel! We don't need all the bells and whistles----Jesus just needs us to follow Him!

There is light

I'm not a fan of dark places. In my house you'll always find a light on to lead the way to the bathroom. There's something about the darkness that brings out the child in us all, leaves us clinging to our bed covers with a flash light readily available on the night stand just in case. Anything can be lurking around in the dark, be it monsters, aliens, or the things that we cannot see with our own eyes, but see it none the less. In those dark places, we feel the most evil of things clawing at our very skin, trying to invade our thoughts and move our eyes away from Jesus. They can be subtle at first, starting with the most innocent of things. But they grow like a wild plant and become the monsters in our lives. When we finally look back we see that plant, wild, green, and out of control. We wander around in the dark, bumping into things, stubbing our toes and cursing out in pain. In a panic we grope for the light switch. We've become desperate. As our desperation takes hold of us we finally give up and forsake our way of doing things and give in. That's when we fall to our knees, and we pray for guidance, for help, for Jesus to come and open the dark prison to which we are bound. It is only in our desperation that we finally relinquish control and cry out to our Father for help as little children. Unless we become as little children in need of our Father, in need of Christ our advocate, we'll remain in our darkest moments.

Submission for some is a dirty word. The idea of not belonging to yourself, and the idea of having to answer to some one evokes images of our worst child hood moments. Mama or daddy is always in control and you can't wait to do it your way. There is so much more to life than what we see. Eventually our world will will be turned upside down and life will happen leaving us as if we're suddenly thrust back into our child hood lying in a corner in the fetal position knees firmly drawn in to our chest. In that moment you'll realize you were never in control. And when you finally submit, relinquish control, and cry out to God-- look up and see the light ---lighting your way out of darkness.

Psalm 18:28 "For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness"

My Worship

I made a promise to myself long ago. We'll not so much a promise, but a statement to self. And each time I would try to enact it, something would happen and I'd get side tracked. But now things are different for me. Today, I finally put in motion what I've been gearing to do for some time now. It's a simple index card, but what I place on it has the power to transform my heart, my mind, and bring me closer to my Father, and my Saviour. This week I'm Praying

Psalm 139:23-24

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

I felt that it was only fitting that I made this my first of many moments with God. I want so much for all the junk that I've accumulated, hoarded in my life to be gone as quickly as possible. How can you move forward in any relationship without knowing the areas in your life that need the most attention. Those who worship the Father, must worship Him in spirit and in truth. Some times the hardest thing in life, is looking at yourself and seeing the ugliest of things and crying out at the feet of Jesus and washing His feet with our tears, hurt and having him take away anything that is not pleasing to Him. It is a painful, but beautiful process.

We're all guilty of cheapening our worship, and our praise to just one moment one day of the week. I'll be the first to admit it. Doesn't our Father deserve so much more than lip service, simple gestures done because that's what we do? We are our Father's passion. I want him to be mine.

Moving Forward

It's been a while since my last blog post. Truth is life has moved at such lightning speed I've not really had the time, or for that matter, the required energy. But here I am finally putting pen to paper..well fingers to the keyboard. After my last post I received some great encouraging, uplifting words from many of you. And then there are those who believe that we've completely abandoned "the church" when in reality we've just left a building. To say that its been quite the journey is an understatement. Some have called us bitter and nicely stated they'd be praying for us. I was even de-twittered by one individual. As of late I've noticed that individuals I once called friend no longer see me as one. Though they've not de-friended or de-twittered me, silence says it all. There are no invites to hang at anyone's home, or just hang out anymore, though we do get the occasional "we miss you". At times I feel like a leper cast out from among the sheep. However, I harbor no ill will or wish anyone harm. There before me lies an open road, and the Lord is leading and I will follow where ever he leads me. Currently I'm stripping away a lot of junk. Junk that I never thought of as junk. But as I devote myself to doing things his way and allowing Jesus to lead, I'm loosing myself---the old self. No longer spectator but participant.