Desperately Seeking Jesus

 Friday, January 8, 2010

I knew it would be the last time I’d see her again. The chemotherapy had long stopped working and everything up to this point was more palliative than anything.
Today she was sitting up in her chair. Today she’d be going home to live out the last of her days. Yet, in the back of my mind I believed that healing would come, come and take all the pain from her body that had been eaten by cancer.

Cancer had aged her. Chemo robbed her of her crown and glory. In all her pain she managed to laugh and smile. In all her suffering she was persistent, steadfast, and faithful…to the end. And even in the end, when she knew that no healing would come through the hands of man, only through the Father, she embraced the outcome…whatever it may be.

I told her often how brave and beautiful she was. We prayed together sometimes, holding hands around her bed desperately seeking Jesus. Desperately seeking him to come and move in her situation. Lord 47 is just too young to die. I’d think to myself.

She passed away New Year’s Eve. I imagine her carried away in the arms of angels to meet her savior. In her sickness I wonder how she cried out to Jesus, how he wiped the tears from her eyes when the pain was so much she could no longer bear it. I wonder what her prayers were for her family after she was on this earth no more. I often wonder how her life changed after her diagnosis. I wonder how desperate she became for Jesus, and how he worked in her life because she sought him no matter what. I may never have the answers to these questions but one thing she taught me….be desperate for Jesus, and seek Him through it all.

This year I won’t make any New Year’s resolutions that I know I’ll break. This year I won’t promise to go to the gym, loose weight, etc…this year I’ll desperately seek Jesus with all of my heart, every day, every minute, and every second, to walk with him no matter what! I’ll love harder, stress less, and trust Him more.

Lord forgive me for my selfishness, for making it all about me. Forgive me for putting you last when I should have placed you first. One thing is for sure, when test, and trials come they do come to make us stronger. Thank you for allowing me to know your daughter in Christ. Though she is home with you now, she taught me how to be desperate for you, no matter the obstacles!