Footprints in the Sand

 Thursday, April 21, 2011

I knew something was wrong. Pam abruptly stopped in the middle of performing my regularly scheduled ultrasound and excused herself from the room. "I'll be right back she said, and disappeared through the door. Lying there on the table, gel still warm on my growing belly, I began to pray frantically. My heart beat hard against my chest, anxiety set in and my mind began to race with worry. Richard sat beside me trying to be strong for me, but we both knew something was wrong. There in the dimly lit ultrasound room I waited for what seemed like an eternity, preparing myself for the worst. The door opened, revealing a little light. There was my doctor with a look of sympathy upon his face and we knew then that our baby had died after only 14weeks.

Emptiness, pain, sorrow, darkness, and fear swirled within me raging like a storm set out on a turbulent sea. In the midst I questioned God: Why? Why did this happen? Was there something I did or didn't do? Why had he allowed such an awful thing to happen? And God always answers, even if its not what we want to hear. And God, being who He is, answered me. There in the midst of it all he met me, just He and I--Father to daughter. And it was there that I finally learned what "peace that surpasses all understanding" is. And that even in one of the darkest and bleakest times in my life, He was there---He carried me through--us through. It's knowing that Jesus wept with us and my pain was and is his pain.

There is a purpose for all things. As horrible as it was, God's will and purpose was done. Some may question what in the world good was accomplished through such a tragedy. We'll I'll tell you. No longer do I take my other children for granted. Those little things that used to drive me crazy no longer bother me. Our family is stronger, my marriage is stronger, my relationship with my mother is stronger, and my faith is stronger. No matter what comes my way, I can depend on Jesus. God never left me and He will never forsake me. If not for the love of God and Christ's sacrifice, where would I be.

It's been 2 weeks since we buried our son Ronan Pete Wagner. I'd be lying if I said that it hasn't been hard. I have my moments where I think about him not being able to take his first steps, first day of kindergarten, sibling rivalry, or saying his first words. But I know that he sleeps, and I'll see him again. We grieve, but not as others who grieve, for we know where our hope lies. It is in Christ. I found my way back to Him in it all never really knowing how far I had actually strayed from home until April 8, 2011. It was that day that I bared my soul, laid my head upon upon his lap and told Him just how much I needed Him. He simply replied: "Welcome home Daughter" and placed upon my head a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

5 comments:

Michelle DeRusha@Graceful April 21, 2011 at 12:15 PM  

Oh Evette, I am so sorry for your grief over the loss of little Ronan. My heart goes out to you and my hand is holding yours. But I'm also joyful that you have been reunited with God in a very real way, and that you experienced that peace that surpasses all understanding, the peace that would be incomprehensible, were it not from Him. May God continue to hold you, your husband and your family during this time of grief and recovery. I will pray for you, my friend. [and thank you, yes, for visiting me today -- so blessed to meet you here]

Danielle April 21, 2011 at 8:51 PM  

This was beautiful, a needed reminder of what really matters, that God is there, even when we think he is not. Be blessed Evette, and thank you.

Evette April 22, 2011 at 1:31 PM  

Thank you so much ladies, for your words of comfort and prayers.

Marcie Collier April 22, 2011 at 8:59 PM  

Oh my goodness, I am soo soo sorry to hear about the baby, I know this grief you talk about and the peace as well. See I have two babies in Heaven (I delivered my son at 24 weeks gestation and my daughter at 20 weeks and my grandchild at 9 weeks, just one month and four days ago). Keep holding on to Gods unchanging hand and run the race that God has set before you, and when it's over and you are in Heaven you will be with little Ronan once again. I love you my sister...I will be praying for you and your precious family. Marcie

zodog10 May 14, 2011 at 9:36 PM  

Evette,
I am so very sorry for your loss, but I rejoice in your new found relationship with the Father. You have a testimony that will inspire and reach others. God always has the victory and I can't wait to see how he uses you.
Praying continued peace and comfort to you and your family
TaJuan

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